Real Talk

I knew I'd put on a stone in the last 6 months but the original photo of this really struck a nerve. At first, I laughed. I laughed at how my crap diet had finally caught up with me and bit me in the arse. I just saw it as a bit of a joke and blamed the scales for being broken. Then reality struck and I was like.. fuck. A stone. In SIX months. What happened?

The picture above is edited to make the bits I dislike about myself look slimmer and if anything, it's motivation for me to get to my 'goal size' if you like. It really is ridiculous how I feel like I've had to resort to this, but my anxiety has just made my brain paint this horrible image of myself that I just can't shake.

I won't lie, I've been feeling really down about myself again lately. This post isn't for sympathy whatsoever, I just need to get some stuff off my chest before I go crazy. I'm the heaviest I've ever been and I don't feel worthy enough for anyone. Half of my clothes don't fit me properly anymore and I feel like my entire wardrobe does me no justice. I'm constantly paranoid about my stomach poking out and wonder how many people have actually noticed I've gained weight.

Social media hasn't helped with any of this. I'm guilty as hell for comparing myself to stunning fashion icons/ friends and wishing I was them.

Another thing that's really bugging me is plucking up the courage to try and pour my heart out to someone and still not getting a straight answer. My therapist always said to me, if I want to know something then the only way I will ever find out is by asking - no matter the outcome.

So why when I do, I get nothing in return? Just a shit load of uncertain, confusing answers. I want to be able to fully give myself to someone but I can't when I don't feel massively wanted, or particularly know where I stand. Why is it so hard for people to to make up their minds about things these days?

You either want something or you don't, right?

All of this crap sends my mind spiralling into a black hole of self doubt and I think subconciously I'm going into self destruct mode. I'm drinking way more than I ever have and I've been trying to distract my mind by going out most nights to forget about everything. I rarely ever want to stay in anymore because I'm trying so hard not to be alone with my thoughts. There's only so much I can keep that up as I'm literally just exhuasted from it all. Nor can I afford it.

A friend once said to me 'know your worth' and honestly, I think it's time I tried to learn how to do that. I've spent most of my life worrying about if other people are ok/ happy and I've just ignored my own. I don't expect any recognition from it, I just thrive off knowing someone else is happy. I've never really been that kind of person that puts myself first. To be honest, I'm not sure I know how.

I know the only person who can change half of this stuff is me. I don't really feel in control of anything right now, so I've definitely got to make a start somewhere.

I've decided I'm going to join Slimming World after speaking to some close friends about it. I think this will be really positive because it will force me into a healthier lifestyle, be more concious of my diet and make me get on the scales every week - instead of avoiding it and hoping I've miraculously lost weight.

I'm also going to play around with some different exercises classes too, maybe do swimming once a week or take up a new hobby - just to find out what works best for me. Unfortunately, I am more restricted with the more intense full-on works outs because of my Asthma.. let alone my horrific stamina.

I'm hoping over the next few months I'll be able to figure life out a bit more and one day, I get back what I put in.

I hope you are all doing well and any tips would be greatly appreciated.

Love always,

T x