Saying Goodbye To 2018

2018. What a year it’s been. Cliché I know, but I'd say hands down one of the most testing years of my life. That being said, it's certainly the one I’ve learnt the most from. Let’s take it back for a second.. 

In a nutshell, I went through 2 break-ups. The first was after a 5 year relationship, never easy but it ended on the nicest possible terms it could have. Although that chapter in my life has now drawn to a close, I have some incredibly fond memories that I will always cherish and he has now moved on. I am super happy for him and really wish him the best! 

The second.. well, that sure was a horrible break up. To be completely honest, I don't think either of us were in a good place towards the end and neither of us were perfect (who is?!). However, I've come to terms with what happened now, I've learnt a lot along the way and I'm actually doing okay.

The latter half of the year, I had my first smear test. Something I really really urge all of you girls of age to do. I knew something hadn’t been right for a while, but I went in with an open mind regardless. Honestly, the test itself was nowhere near as bad as I was expecting and if a few minutes of discomfort could potentially save your life, it's all worth it. 

After 2 weeks, I got a letter saying they had found some abnormalities and I needed to go to the hospital for further checks. This really shook me and I got referred for something called Colposcopy where they basically take a closer look at your cervix to determine if there's anything sinister there. 

A week later, I received the results saying they had in fact found cancerous cells and it was at C1 on the scale. I’d been advised that they’d booked me in for a years time for a follow-up test, however if I had any problems in the mean time then to call the GP. I am currently having further checks as I’ve been having problems (even before this news) so if worst comes to worst, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. 

The Summer was a cocktail of so many fond, happy memories and the worst time I’ve ever been through mentally. I was attending CBT at the time which was helping with managing my anxiety, but not my depression. I basically had a huge breakdown and decided to make a decision to go on anti-depressants. I am still on them now, however I have now changed over to some different tablets which have so many less side effects than the old ones.

I spent so much time relying on others to make me happy, that I had genuinely forgotten who I was. Although I was surrounded by so much love and support, I couldn’t help but feel alone. I’d purposely shut myself away because whenever I did go out, I’d just get a shit load of anxiety and want to go home, or burst into a full on panic attack out of nowhere. 

I blamed myself for my anxiety so much this year, but I’ve come to realise that’s something I’ll never get rid of or be able to change. Sure, it's managable for the most part but it doesn't define who you are as a person. Never blame yourself if people choose to walk away when times get hard. 

Despite all of the crap in 2018, I’ve made some incredible new friendships, let existing ones blossom, had some of the most memorable times of my life and learnt a lot about myself and others. Most importantly, no matter how dark things seem, there is ALWAYS a light at the end of tunnel.

I’m going to dedicate 2019 to getting a dream career sorted, going back to CBT and focus more on the people who make the the happies. I want to read more, blog more, be more productive and go on all of the adventures. Most importantly, I'm going to make a concious effort to never let myself or anyone I love fall as low as I did last year.

If there’s anything I’ve learnt last year is that amazing friendships come from the most unexpected places, you are not a reflection of those who can’t love you, never ever let someone make you feel guilty/ blame you for your mental health and if you can be anything, always be kind.

I don't think I'd be half the person I am today without all of the incredible friends and family who have been there relentlessly through the darkest of days. No matter big or small the gesture was, I can't express my gratitude enough and have so much love for each and every one of them. Those people are truly the greatest gift anyone could ever need in life. Love always wins. 

Here's a fresh start and a happy, healthy 2019! We've got this.

Lots of love,

T x

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