Taking care of myself has always been something that I seem to let slip through the cracks. Particularly over the last 8 months. They have been hard - like super hellish. The best way for me to describe it was falling into a pile of brain fuzz and drowning in it.
I was going through a breakup, making stupid decisions, letting good friends down, getting myself into complicated situations and let the things I loved the most just completely grind to a halt - the blog, gigs, travelling, makeup, photography.
I suddenly became disinterested in everything I once found so much enjoyment out of. It seemed like the control was slipping through my fingers and there was nothing I could do about it.
I basically just stopped caring about myself completely and I couldn't understand why.
For a long time, I've always known deep down that something wasn't quite right. I just blamed that on my particular life situations at the time and I thought getting out of certain things would make me feel better again - or at least help.
The months went on and I felt the same, if not worse than I did than before. My thoughts started spiralling out of control. I was dragging myself into situations I knew weren't good for me at all, but I couldn't help but run towards them because they gave me some kind of comfort at the time.
After many much needed heart-to-hearts with close friends and family, it was becoming very apparent I needed to do something more than just brush the problems under the carpet.
For the last few months, I've been attending CBT sessions and it's one of the best decisions I have ever made. Not only has it taught me not to run away from things I'm scared of, I'm slowly learning how to face up to problems when they happen, instead of wallowing in an anxious mess and letting things bothering me drag on-and-on.
I've also learnt not to be so hard on myself, stop blaming myself for things outside of my control and focussing more on the things I'm doing right and not wrong. I've stopped letting the negative things rule my life/ entire thought process because it was only wearing me into the ground. One thing that has really become apparent lately, is that the only person who can look after yourself is you, so be kind.
The sessions have helped to build up my self confidence, as well as everything else I have mentioned. My therapist was an absolute gem, she has helped me immensely - I can't thank her enough!
Although the CBT sessions were helping with my thoughts and behaviours, they weren't helping with the depression side of things at the time. I ended up going back to the doctors in sheer desperation and finally decided after years of being against them to resort to medication. This is something I felt like I had to do and I know it was the right decision regardless of all the stigma. I have been taking these for almost 3 months now and it has really helped me to regain my focus and happiness.
Regardless of the CBT and tablets, I couldn't have got through anything without every single friend and family member who have helped along the way. I am just ridiculously grateful for having such amazing people in my life and such a massive support system. I can't thank everyone enough and I love you all more than you could ever know.
I am now in a much better place and I even gained the confidence to put myself out there again! I have an amazing new boyfriend who has changed my life for the better, I'm surrounding myself with good people and I'm finally happy. I feel on top of the world and I really hope this is the start of something new - I'm dying to start writing again! Slow and steady wins the race.
Love always,
T x
